A Bouquet of Belief

I love flowers. Their imperfectly perfect petals and the pop of color they bring to a otherwise barren landscape make me smile contentedly, as I consider the Maker of this kind of extraordinary beauty.
This week I decided to sleep in flowers. ( No I promise, the pain meds have not gotten to me..:))
Since I am spending a lot of time resting in my bedroom, I replaced my old bedding with a vibrantly colorful comforter set just bursting with blooms of flowers in deep and rich saturated hues. I feel surrounded by comfort in my blanketed garden of security.

These past two weeks have been pretty difficult as I have been dealing with pain, pressure in my chest, difficulty eating and the flu like symptoms that come and go as a result of chemo and radiation.
After my hospital stay, they decided to start me on radiation to try to shrink back the tumors surrounding my esophagus. I started Oct.11 and go daily (except weekends) until Nov. 14th.
It seems as waves of discouraging info or symptoms come my way, I seek more fervently to try to find tangible lifelines of faith. Some beauty, security and comfort in the midst of a seemingly dreary landscape.

As a result, a few flowers have cropped up in the garden of my heart. Some blooms that can be put together to form a bouquet of belief.

1.Truth Rises
There is simply so much information that comes your way when encountering cancer and many other difficulties in life. Advice is given from many different and very well meaning sources. Decisions need to be made that can make it feel overwhelming to know which way to choose.
Your own thoughts begin to swirl about what is going on and the enemy definitely tries to discourage with his arsenal of lies about where God is in all of this. 

I have found that simple but powerful truths have provided the most strength, primarily that Jesus said, “I will never leave nor forsake you.” Heb. 13:5

He will never walk away or abandon us. In fact He says He will be with us. ”When you pass through the waters, I will be with you...” Is 43:2 
To me that is different then Him just being an onlooker, He is actually walking the path that we are on with us, side my side, hand in hand. Carrying, counseling and guiding.

The Old Testament man of suffering, Job after losing his property, his children and experiencing terribly painful boils from head toe, said two really profound nuggets of truth that provide great perspective when encountering trials

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,

And naked shall I return there.

The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;

Blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:20

Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” Job 2:10

Difficulties will come and we may never know exactly why, but God is in control, He remains good, and He is with us.
Allow these truths to grow deep in the soil of your soul and pluck out any weeds that may try to choke them out!
Trust in the reality that the TRUTH is stronger than ANY lie and will always rise to the top of the flower bed as it stretches towards the Son.

2.Hope Anchors
Living without hope is like feeling adrift in a sea of crashing waves and crushing winds.
We must have something to hang onto lest we float about spiritually aimless.
Yesterday a hope sower gave me a long stem to add to my bouquet.

Because the symptoms can be so intense,f it is hard to not think that the cancer is growing at rapid rates to basketball size proportions. She informed me that sometimes the symptoms are a lot of what the treatment themselves are creating. 
She also reminded me to focus on what if anything might be getting better.

I paused and thought and have a list now:
I can breath
I can eat some real food ( this is HUGE!!!)
My pain is managed
I can eat as much ice cream as I want and am fact encouraged to!!

I encourage you to try this. Whatever that cloud of hopelessness looks like that is trying to darken your flower bed, think of 2- 3 things that are actually getting better in an aspect of your life. As your garden grows there will be blooms that fade, but others are just waiting to push through the soil and make their glorious appearance. Look for them.

3.Love will Save the Day

When I first met with the Radiation Oncologist to come up with a plan, because I was having such a hard time swallowing food, he suggested I have a PEG tube put in my stomach to receive nutrition through. Though definitely not thrilled with the prospect of this, I went forward with plans of having it done last Friday the 19th. As I lay in the pre-op, an interesting series of events occurred, My nurse, who was dealing with me and room full of other patients came to the foot of my bed and said ”you know this is a really painful procedure.” Never heard a nurse do that! Usually they are like “you are going o be fine.” :) She went on to tell me about a nurse there (a tough guy) who had had it and says it was really hard and that it definitely requires an overnight stay just to deal with pain. I guess that is manageable most of the time, but she went on to say that she could tell my pain was not managed and that this would be intense pain on top of intense pain. She called my doctor in and he agreed and set off on a plan to get my pain managed, saying if I did need the procedure I could do it in a couple of weeks and they could schedule it rather quickly.

I learned that I tend to try to tough out the pain and those around me are not completely aware at how bad it is, as I just kinda go inward.
I told the nurse thank you and she said ”I’ve been a nurse for 25 years and I know how to read people.”

I see this as a total Divine intervention.
I believe my Father’s hand was all over that incident and He stepped in knowing I could not handle it. It is so comforting to know that His hand is on the thermostat of our lives, not allowing things to get too hot for us to bear in the furnace of affliction.

“For as the heavens are high above the earth,

So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;

 As far as the east is from the west,

So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

 As a father pities his children,

So the LORD pities those who fear Him.

For He knows our frame;

He remembers that we are dust.” Psalm 103:11-14

A Father’s love is strong and secure, maybe not often not dealt with sappy emotion, but stable and protective. I love how He loves His children.

Truth, Hope and Love Divine. A beautiful bouquet I’d say. And the best thing? These flowers will never fade.

Current song in my head these days! Enjoy...:)
Rise by Shawn McDonald

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2ti1BikZrA&feature=related

What's Your Pain Level?

A routine part of the cancer experience is having the nurses at the doctor’s office ask you what your pain level is when you go for an appointment.

For the last year I have been able to usually say zero. On occasion I have had my spikes, but for the most part it has been manageable.

Until last Friday when the pain in my chest became so crushing I simply could not handle it. After a visit to the ER they admitted me to try to find out exactly what was happening and manage the pain. I was consistently choosing 9 and the very unhappy face on the pain charts and Robert asked what it would take to get to a 10.  

Hmm.. good question.

After many tests, the results showed that the tumors around my esophagus and behind my heart have increased even in just a week and they are squeezing that area terribly.

Monday I will start radiation in conjunction with the chemo to try to shrink these hot spots down.

As for the current pain, I have some pain management meds that work pretty good,

but it’s usually never really gone. 

Pain is a symptom that something is not right. It can be short lived or long term, but in any case, it’s sudden shooting signals are a warning sign.

Pain is also a symptom of being human. It begins at that very first shock of light and temperature change we experience at birth and continues to show up as these temporary bodies we live in get bumped, bruised or besieged.

Traveling through the plains of time, our experiences can leave the raw nerve endings of our emotions shocked and wounded as well. Not to mention the strain living in a fallen world takes on our souls and minds.

Some become numb to the pain over time, others approach it like a badge of honor while still others begin to slowly disappear behind it

In my observation, everyone tries to escape it. Some last longer than others before their search for relief takes center stage; but pain is misplaced, it is a foreign enemy we simply cannot coexist with forever.

I find it so inviting that God is referred to as the God of all Comfort.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort...” 2 Cor. 1;3

Jesus experienced all the same sorts of difficulties we have when He was His physical body, so that He can relate to each of us in whatever situation we are going through. And certainly He knows how to aid and comfort those who share this frail frame.

“For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16

That’s probably why I find that people who seek to comfort others remind me the most of Jesus. Those who use their time and resources, gifts and personality and anything else they can find to help soften the jagged edges of pain.

My nurse (Floyd) in the hospital was like this  Very kind and gentle, even his wording tone, and movements were comforting. He has definitely found his niche.

I am surrounded by so many sweeties in my family that all comfort me on so many levels. A kind word, a store run, a quick trip to the fridge.... again, a warm blanket, a gift, a smile, a long talk, a passionate prayer a heartfelt praise. A long sit in silence, another store run, more ice, driving around to countless appt’s and errands, a phone call, carrying my belongings, looking after a water bottle, making me laugh, holding me up, another store run, fixing the pillows, txting I love you and so on (after another store run..:)

Sometimes our Lord is a mighty Deliverer, but sometimes He is a tender Comforter and we learn different aspects of His personality through both experiences.

If it were not for pain, we wouldn’t know the God of all comfort and the blessings of His army of comforting messengers.

This song goes out to all you “angels” of mercy doing what you do in countless situations. Be encouraged. Your kindness makes it bearable. We feel ya. 

Muah!!! xoxoxo

Angel by Your Side Francesca Battistelli

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDPOgwaPAQg

“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown Him as you have helped His people and continue to help them.” Hebrews 6:10

Time Management

I admit I don’t I have a good sense of time. I frequently think I can make a 20 minute trip in ten minutes. Go to the grocery store, the car wash and swing by my fave “brands for less” shop all before before meeting home for dinner ( which is in about 30 minutes! oops? Nah, plenty of time right? Just one more sales rack......)

God has a sense of humor and ways of strengthening our weaknesses. I am married to the guy who is always on time, but would prefer to be 10 minutes early. I am serious, I can count on one hand the times in 30 years of marriage that I have waited for him. If he is going to be late for some unforeseen situation, say a 10 pile car up ( that he somehow couldn’t find a way to navigate around and still be on time), or any other emergency, he always calls and apologizes, estimates his arrival time and sure enough, there he is walking through the door ...right on time. 

Through the years I have gotten better at getting ready-er on time and he has learned to be less stressed about it.

Now, he just  good-naturedly shouts out when we need to leave, ( “5 more minutes baby”) instead of telling me all the very good, philosophically true and important reasons we need to go........right now!

While I still despise alarm clocks and written schedules and would much rather go to bed when I feel like it, my grown up responsible self squeezes it’s will into these necessary restraints. In order to function in this world and not make enemies, they are simply a must.

Ahh but one day,, eternity,,,:) No hurry. No worry.

Anyhow, I digress. Until then, we have been given the gift of time. Yes it’s a gift. We each have 24 hours a day given to us to choose to do as we will. If we want to be effective for God’s kingdom, we will wisely seek the Holy Spirit’s direction in how to govern our days. Jesus said this concerning those “born of the Spirit”.

“The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit.” John 3:8

The wind flows, it moves along as it blown by the breath of God. If we desire to be led by Him, we must remain open to having our sails filled with the wind of HIs Spirit so He can move us along. Allowing The Spirit to orchestrate our steps and not trying to fit him into our preprogrammed phone schedules or text alerts.

Time can seem like and enemy as we try to cram all we want and need to do into those allotted hours. Then,  and on the opposite side of the pendulum swing, there are those times when the clock seems to tick by so slowly, it sounds as if is mocking our existence. Tick, tick, tick.

Focusing on goals helps us organize our time, but having this ONE all important goal adds meaning to our lives and structures our souls, no matter the hour. What is it? Walking with Jesus. Just acknowledging Him throughout our days, by talking to Him, seeking Him, listening to Him. No day is unproductive if we have managed to do that.

Our experience with time falls into the categories of what has happened, what is happening and what will happen, These “time blocks” can produce anxiety if not viewed correctly.

Let’s see what the Creator of time has to say about setting our minds as well as our clock to manage these areas.

Past.

 “Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Phil 3:12-14

To reach our goal ..we must forget the past mistakes or regrets that have tripped us up on our race, lest we become consumed with guilt.

Psalm 103:12 gives us great assurance of what God does with our confessed, repented from sin....

“As far as the east is from the west,

So far has He removed our transgressions from us.”

Present. 

In his model prayer, Jesus gives us a valuable principle for dealing with everyday needs and concerns.

“Give us this day our daily bread.” Matthew 6:11

Daily dependance and reliance on the Lord for His daily provision helps us enjoy the day without stressing about tomorrow.

Future.

And for all the “what ifs” in life these words of Jesus, settle our anxious hearts,

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:31-34

I find that when I try to live moment by moment and not project into the future what may happen or not, I am far more settled, relaxed and focused, free to enjoy the moments given me. Now is all we all really have.

So let’s chill out peeps! Take a deep breath. Look at the folks that are with you. Enjoy them. Take every concern from big to small as it comes your way to the Lord in prayer and trust Him.

Take the next 4 and a half minutes you’ve been given and give yourself the gift of this song!

Trust Me by Crystal Lewis

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MgboThkiBI

* Day 1 Chemo down! So far so good. I will meet with the medical staff next Monday to assess what my chemo routine will be after they do lab work and all. I so appreciate the prayers. They are indeed lifting me up! Love you all!

How Great is our God

Ahhh fall. In the desert we gladly receive this season with the all the hopeful anticipation that folks on the East coast welcome summer. For us it means cooler weather ( under 100 degrees), breathtakingly bright sunsets and the kids finally back in school.

All my “babies” have graduated from high school now. The youngest was handed that hard earned diploma last May. This semester he began classes at a local college. 

His first week there, after attending each new class, we would talk about whether or not he liked the class and what his overall impressions were.

One day, he phoned after his astronomy class, which I was certain he would love. He’s always been interested in science. 

When I asked him what he thought, he stumbled on his words for while and struggled to find the right ones. Then he said something like this, “ Looking at vastness of the universe, I realize just how insignificant I am. There is so much out there that has yet to be seen, studied or understood. Its God’s realm and I feel like I am trespassing.”

Psalm 97:6 says

“The heavens declare His righteousness, 

And all the peoples see His glory.”

Seeing what is merely a brushstroke on His vast universal canvas is awe-inspiring and indeed humbling.

This reminded me of where the book of Hebrews relates how God the Father describes Jesus:

“...heir of all things, through whom also He made the worlds; who being the brightness of His glory and the express image of His person, and upholding all things by the word of His power when He had by Himself purged our sins, sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high, ”  Hebrews 1:2-3

Everything belongs to Jesus, everything! He is God, Creator of all things and the One who hold all things together!  Amazing and humbling.

In the book of Revelation, the apostle John got a glimpse of Jesus in all HIs glory. Having walked side by side with the Savior while he was in His earthly body, John is overcome by his heavenly vision of the Resurrected Exalted Christ

 “Then I turned to see the voice that spoke with me. And having turned I saw seven golden lampstands, and in the midst of the seven lampstands One like the Son of Man, clothed with a garment down to the feet and girded about the chest with a golden band. His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and His eyes like a flame of fire;  His feet were like fine brass, as if refined in a furnace, and His voice as the sound of many waters; He had in His right hand seven stars, out of His mouth went a sharp two-edged sword, and His countenance was like the sun shining in its strength. And when I saw Him, I fell at His feet as dead.” Revelation 1:12-17

The Presence of Jesus is so powerful and majestic that no man can stand in it.

Upon John the Baptist’s recognition of just exactly WHO Jesus was, he succinctly exclaimed,

 “He must increase, but I must decrease.” John 3:30

It’s not a theological argument or position John is taking here. Not a decision he is trying to talk himself into making. This is an automatic and genuine response to the realization of  just how great He is. 

There is no other choice when I truly encounter Jesus, the Living God. I must decrease. You and I simply don’t hold a candle to the brightness of His being. He outshines everything and everyone, ever.

After the apostle John falls at the Glorious One’s feet in Revelation, Jesus does the most amazing thing.

Listen! This is the best part:

“ But He laid His right hand on me, saying to me, “Do not be afraid; I am the First and the Last. I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen. And I have the keys of Hades and of Death. “  Rev. 1:17-18

Jesus has the keys! He has overcome the last and final enemy: death. No one can say that but Jesus. He is THE Victor. 

Living a family whose members often are off searching for their misplaced keys, it is completely reassuring to know that the key to eternal life is in Jesus’ powerful and capable hands!

It touches me to know that those same hands reached out to comfort his prostrate disciple John, empowering him with these longed for words,  “Do not be afraid..”

Only Jesus has the ability to truly back that command up.

He is the first and the last. He who lives and was dead and is alive forevermore.

What you and I are going through can never change Who He is. 

And we find out who we are, by looking to Him.

We are His.

Watch below and drink in the lyrics...

“Who am I? Casting Crowns

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=othmFqaw0Yk

*It’s been awhile since my last post. We visited the University of Colorado for some further info. In the meantime, I have been back on the targeted gene therapy, re-challenging it with a higher dosage and was rescanned yesterday. The results showed that I have new growth in 9 new lymph sites in my chest/ esophagus area, while some of the previous areas actually shrunk. The doctors here in Arizona and Colorado concur that this gene therapy drug is failing, as cancer often develops resistant pathways to some medications.

Therefore, I will be starting traditional chemo treatments this coming Monday Oct. 1st.

As always I appreciate your prayers. It’s always amazing to see what unfolds as we step on the pathway He has marked out for us.

Praying to trust Him in each step. You trust Him too in whatever you are going through also ok?

Remember, He holds the keys!

Mission Impossible!

Long before the movie series came out, Mission Impossible was a TV show.

I loved watching!  Every week it began with the main character receiving a small cassette tape. (For those born in the post record/ current CD era- I’ve include a definition and pic. Cassette: a container that holds a magnetic tape used for recording or playing sound or video) :-)

Anyway, he would place the tape in a cassette player (usually while on a plane for some reason) press play and it would begin... “ Good morning Mr. Phelps ..." Then, the mysterious voice on the tape would explains the grave situation at hand for the IMF  ( Impossible Missions Force). After a clear understanding of the situation at hand  (complete with a folder of the villains pics to peruse while listening to the scenario).

The voice would say, “your mission Jim, should you choose to accept it is” ...and then a super high secret, dangerous plan of espionage and intelligence was laid out to catch the bad guys.

After a warning of being disavowed if caught or killed, the tape would self destruct in 5 seconds...poof! Smoke would rise as Mr. Phelps once again accepted his impossible mission and headed out to perform acts of sheer coolness against the enemy.

Yesterday and the day before and the day before that, oh and last week ...- This verse kept coming my direction.

“With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matt. 19:26

The context of this verse is a conversation Jesus is having with his disciples. You see, a very rich young man approached Jesus and asked Him what he was lacking to gain eternal life. Jesus told him to keep the commandments. Perfect. The young man  convincingly states that he has done so much! Why, even since his youth!

Impossible! No one has kept God’s commandments perfectly.

“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23

Matthew records Jesus’ response to the young man like this, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” Matt. 10:21

When the young man heard Jesus’ perfect offer the text says,“..he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.” Matt. 10:22

Impossible! He receives the answer to his question and then he rejects it? 

Too much! .....Indeed.

Jesus turns to His disciples and says:

“Assuredly, I say to you that it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Mat. 19:23-24

 A bit overwhelmed at the difficulty of entering the kingdom of heaven, the disciples ask the question of all questions..

 “Who then can be saved?”  Matt. 10:25

To which, Jesus says the words we began with...“With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matt. 19:26

Jesus truly set out on an impossible mission according to man’s perspective and resources.

Who can save a soul from hell? Who can pay the exorbitant price to redeem a life from the penalty of inherent sin ?

We certainly can’t save ourselves. The young man proved that. Perfection is needed to enter heaven.

The only One who ever perfectly kept the commandments completely by His perfect life is Jesus.

And following Him is the only way to perfection:

Laying down our lives for His, resulting in His perfection placed on us and life, eternal. 

An impossibly perfect trade!

Listen!

“For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” 2 Cor. 5:21

If Jesus’ victory over death made it possible for you and I to enter heaven, then what is impossible for Him?

What seemingly impossibility is before you today?

What nail biting, teeth grinding, pit in your stomach scenario has you in its grips?

Who you are looking at will make all the difference.

Man? Impossible!

WIth God? Mission accomplished!

*Prayer peeps! ( or  IMF (Impossible Missions Force) I am back on my targeted gene therapy medication with instructions to dose increase to maximum dosage over the next few weeks.

Last time the side effects were pretty severe, so praying the Lord will keep them at bay.

“Now in the morning, as He returned to the city, He was hungry. And seeing a fig tree by the road, He came to it and found nothing on it but leaves, and said to it, “Let no fruit grow on you ever again.” Immediately the fig tree withered away.

And when the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, “How did the fig tree wither away so soon?”

So Jesus answered and said to them, “Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ it will be done. And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.”  Matthew 21:18-21

Sheep-ish

Like most children I always wanted a pet growing up. My Mom tells me that I used to often ask about it and I can assure you that I never got what I wanted. Not because of any lack of kindness or generosity on my parent’s part, certainly not! No, my request was just impractically inconsistent with urban living. You see, I really really wanted a lamb. I used to read books and look at pictures of these delightful creatures and think about how wonderful it would be to have my own fuzzy little white lamb.

Surely, if I had one I would carry it around with me and never let it down!

Years later, as a new Christian, the symbolism of lambs, sheep and a Shepherd struck a chord with me, as it has many a believer.

Often when I lay down to go to sleep at night, a song that fills my thoughts is a worship chorus taken from Is. 40:11 which says:

“He will feed His flock like a shepherd;

He will gather the lambs with His arm,

And carry them in His bosom,

And gently lead those who are with young.”

How caring, our God!

Feeding us the truth of His word and providing physical food to nourish both our souls and bodies.

How attentive is He!

Noticing each lamb that may wander willfully or aimlessly from the flock, His gaze is fixed as He goes.... and graciously gathers His own.

How strong His love!

Any burden we hold is not too heavy for Him. He picks us up and safely carries us: in His arms, close to His heart.

How gentle His touch!

He doesn’t drive or prod us while we try to manage our own lives and those entrusted to our care. He tenderly leads us by guiding our way, encouraging our hearts, and supporting our steps. 

Jesus said, “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.” John 10:27

What great assurance it brings that Jesus knows me and you.

As His own, His voice is the only One our soul’s surely respond to.

True. Steady and Empowering. Bidding you and I to come and follow Him. 

Showing us the way.

Surely, He will faithfully hold tight His fuzzy flock and never let us down!

“And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand.” John 10:28

The LORD is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell  in the house of the LORD

Forever.

Psalm 23

Understand?

31 years ago, I was working as a 5 year old ( just kidding) No seriously, I was working as a young adult in a custom drapery shop, when an older woman ventured into the back room where we cut and measured fabric, made valances and steamed beautifully completed window coverings.

She needed assistance of some sort and as I began helping her, she looked at me and  said...”You’re a believer, aren't you? When I responded that, yes I was indeed a Christian, she asked if she could pray with me about anything that I was concerned about. We did and then she looked at me and said “Your Father wants you to know to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding , in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” Then she closed with these words, “You are going to need to remember that in the future.”

Certainly this passage from Proverbs 3:5-6 has proven to be a comfort and assurance to me of God’s faithfulness through many of life’s challenges.

But never has it become so tangible to me as it has in the past few days.

My PET scan in June showed minor increase in activity in the site of the original primary tumor (located in the lower lobe of my right lung). All else remained clear,

Because of this, two options were presented. One was radiation, the other, which came as quite an unexpected surprise, was surgery. Surgery usually is not offered to stage 4 cancer patients. But, in light of being progression free and the only visible activity  contained to one area, the surgeon explained that taking the lobe out would be considered curative, as opposed to radiation being more of a palliative solution.

After meeting with both of these excellent physicians, and of course, through prayer, I decided to go forward rather excitedly with surgery. Cure? Why, thats the million dollar word!

In preparation for the surgery, I had to go off my targeted gene therapy drug for three weeks prior, because it presents bleeding issues, incompatible with going under the knife.

I went off the medication July 21. The plan was to have a follow up PET scan August 6th , meet with my regular doctor August 9th. If all was clear, I would be having the lobe removed next week, Somewhere between August 13-17.

I spent the last three weeks preparing for surgery, Getting plans in order for our upcoming Women’s Retreat in early September, arranging schedules and help with my Mom, and tying up loose ends all around the house

As soon as I walked into the Cancer Center this last Thursday I knew things had changed, Expressions were somber and stoic.

The results showed new or regrowth of cancer in 7 lymph nodes and the primary mass also shows a significant increase.

Now.....what do you do when your plans collide with reality? When you don’t fully grasp what is going on?

I absolutely do not understand . To say I know why this happened would be completely presumptuous on my part and well, a lie. I found myself saying things like,”let me wrap my brain around this”,  and ”I need process this info.” Trying to comprehend is not making a dent in this new wall of information.

No, I do not understand, But, this is what I have known by experence.

An undeniable sense of peace. Robert calls it “strange peace” It is. It’s not normal. 

But then again that is what our Saviour purchased for us, “.... the peace that passes understanding.”( Phil. 4:7) Supernatural peace that comes from His very presence.

Romans 11:33 puts it like this:

“Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! 

How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!”

God’s ways are not our ways. This passage says they are ”past finding out”. Meaning, there are some, if not many, things that God allows that you and I in our limited “created” capacity for understanding, will simply never figure out.

Pastor Chuck Smith has wisely stated,
“Never trade what you know, for what you don't know.”

Good words for unstable times.

What I know is that God is good and that He loves me and you.

Anything He allows or prevents is for our good.

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

The reality: I cannot deny God’s incredible love, presence and power in my life! And I will, by His grace, continue to proclaim it! 

God has asked us to trust Him even, and especially when, we cannot see.

Faith shines brightest in the dark.

“ For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.”  2 Tim. 1:12

• I am back on the targeted gene therapy and am increasing the dosage.
• If you feel led, please pray for it’s effectiveness and side effects.
• Much love to all!